Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in leegilkrist's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, June 8th, 2006
4:50 pm	frenzied desperation, the new theme words which you can use as shorthand to describe me. i've been running around trying to get laid, living paycheck to paycheck, and enjoying the moment but only because it's the only moment i have to enjoy. i know it sounds convoluted. since i'm working forty hours a week and i have two days off a week in which to have fun i'm going overkill on those two days so much so that when i get to the end of my midweek weekend it feels like i haven't really gotten a break. yesterday i spearheaded a campaign to get a bunch of friends togther to go to OZ since wednesday is gay night. well i got a bunch of people together we pre-partied in my room and then left for the club. the music sucked and my associates and i were half the people there which totally defeats the purpose of going to the club as a single. you go to meet new people or you go to dance to good music, i was robbed by circumstance of both options. before OZ i had a date thing. it went fine, we talked for two hours about movies and life and other first date bullshit and it was fun enough but as in most of my dates for past weeks and months and years it lacked a true spark. or am i the one who lacks the spark? i keep thinking over and over again "how am i not myself?" and the answer is "this right now, this is how you are not yerself" it's time to move along. the next few weeks will be a flurry of activity as i cut down on the dancing and drugging:-p and start getting the next phase of my life together. on a good note i've been working my ass off in the house garden. i'm trying to retain the feelings of ownership, a feeling that i'm leaving a legacy in earth for future co-opers, but that too is spuring me along to leave. i'm thinking of breaking my lease for the next year, or at least backing out of the second half of it. we'll see, if no new and excting job pans out in another state then i'll probly stick it out. thought conditions being what they've been i'm expecting vast and sweeping changes. Current Mood: restless (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 29th, 2006
6:56 pm	yeah drunkenness me thinks live journal and i are not such good friends at four am. I'm plagued by self doubt, i feel that growing up i didn't have a right to self confidence so in my latter years i use boisteresness as a substitute which is a short lived substitute for a solid self image. I remember an episode of X-men the cartoon show where the beast is in prison, he starts quoting shylock from merchant of venice "if you prick us do we not bleed..." . I want to have cards made up with that section of text on them so i can just hand them out whenever i feel like people around me are forgetting the universality of the human condition. i feel very confused. i also need to stop playing the "what if" game, no one ever wins that game it time i stopped playing with my self. :-p. if i don't stop living in the past i feel like i'm going to devolve into blanch from "street car", always looking for a kind stranger and never having the strength to do things for myself. i'm not saying you don't need other people to help out with life, but there are things that i need to do a better job of looking afteron my own. I saw ryan out last night and the final melancholia i felt for the relationship is gone. he's cool. but i can lay that part of my life to rest. i can get over the past but i think the time it takes is directly proportional( at least at theis time in my life ) to the ammount of time spent in the relationship. so for every month together with someone i think it'll take about four to really make peace with everything that happened. mike wright and i are going to go and see "Stick It" this afternoon . this will be the second time in as many days that we've hung out together after not hanging out for the last eight months. there needs to be a word to describe these random fluctuations in friendship, i'm not sad we haven't hung out i was too busy going crazy, i guess the concept of friendship hiatus is the closest i get to the emmotion i'm feeling right now. oh well. it's off to the shower for me. laters. Current Mood: energetic (Comment on this)
8:59 am	death and dismemberment so i thought about killing myself tonight, not one of your "hmmm, what would it be like if i died" but rather i was like "which knife is sharp enough to cut my wrist without tearing up too much skin?" it's not the first time. in the past i've gone so far as to run a knife across my skin, greying out a layer or two of epidermis before stopping. tonight i wanted to draw blood. just on one wrist. i figured if i drew blood on one i could stop it before the blood loss got too severe. then i thought about work and how awkward it would be to explain away such a scar s i ended up getting really drunk instead. you have to love graduation season. i've been playing the what if game....what if i had been able to get back together with kyle, what if i had chosen a career i loved instead of one that was easy to finish. ..etc. i feel the need to break down and cry, however i haven't been able to do that since i had abbi's shoulder t o cry on at nelp. how do ask someone to be there for you, someone whoi want's nothing from you, without comming off as a selfish asshole? as for a job, i'm working at meijer's for a bit above minimum wage as a cashier. it's not enough to pay the bills. i'll have t find a new job before the summer. i'm going to move out iof atate i just don't know when or where. any suggestions? i have more to write but i'm still sobering up. all the best, lee b-t. Current Mood: crappy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 15th, 2006
9:16 am	so now that the sun is here i figured i'd be leaving the house more often......and that plan failed. it's as though everytime i try to pass the threshold my heart starts racing and t.v. calls me back to its cold cold embrace. so now i stand in frosts proverbial fork in the road......i'll be done with school in a month, do i 1. go home and figure out what to do from there, or do i 2. stay here for the summer and next year. see neither of the options seems all that good but i don't have enough capital to add a third alternative( well there's the armed services but they don't like the gays). i started reading On The Road and i wish i could hitchike safely around the country. my most recent writing project is a cultural short on the game of FACE. it's like a fusion of hackeysack and dodgeball that glee clubers play wherenever we have downtime together. and now i'm getting sucked into BET who knew that black american's girlfriends would be so entertaining. Current Mood: sick (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, March 10th, 2006
4:06 am	oh rain how i love thee.... i love warm rainy days :-) yay for a sleep cycle that is shifted from my norm by four to six hours. while i hate being alone i like solitude as an asthetic. i ended up writing an essay about solitude for my portfolio but i don't think i did it the justice i could have, that's what happens when i do things the night before they're due. tonight i was hanging out with some guys, watching a will and grace dvd and generally having a good time and it was almost like a sleepover except that we all ended up going to our respective houses to go to bed. what ever happend to sleepover parties? even up untill my senior year of highschool the all my guy friends and i would still have sleepovers while the girls had girls night. it seems that in college fthe only sleepovers that happen happen if you're hooking up with someone or you pass out at someones house. i want to have an old fashioned night of pajama pants or boxers, movies, food, conversation, maybe some wine, and then at about 3 or 4 am i want everyone to bed down so that when we wake up at noon the next day we can all get up and have breakfast.. i'd even be up for co-ed sleepovers if that's what it would take to make the thing happen. (i like gender segregated parties only b/c it creates a space for conversations that only happen in single gender settings. this is not to devalue mixed parties, they too have a special place in my heart) at this psudo sleepover one of the people mentioned how he wanted to cuddle. this was an undirected statment so there's no need to read between the lines, but it got me thinking about how long it's been since i just cuddled with someone. I honestly can't remember how long it has been since i've been in a intimate situation with someone without having all kinds of emotional baggage. oh for youth. i think i just need to move into a new headspace and things will get better. p.s. the gym makes you hurt Current Mood: sore (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, March 9th, 2006
1:31 am	yeah it's been a while...... It’s raining out and it’s warm. This is my ideal type of weather. It’s the type of atmosphere that I think of when I’m feeling down. I’m striving for eloquence in dress, actions, and language……some days I make it and some days I fail. I just feel like I’ve lost agency in my life and this I think is the best way to remedy that. If you live something long enough it becomes "true" right? I never thought it would be this hard to get a job. Pretty much every job I’ve ever applied for in the past I’ve gotten. I hate not working, I’m just so bored, I feel my brain shrinking and falling apart, but this stage of my life will be over soon and then the real decision making process begins. If I don’t have a job by graduation I’m going to have to leave and move back home. My mom is trying to buy a house right now and if they accept her bid I’ll be working at home and helping her to fix it up. And speaking of fixing things up I’m starting with myself. I’ve been working out a lot more over the last month then I ever have, as a result I’ve lost 15 pounds since Christmas. 15 more and I’ll be at my first real goal 170. I figure if I can lose the weight and keep it off through the summer then I have a good shot of keeping the weight off permanently. If I make it to 170 well then I might shoot for 160 but well see that’s still a ways away. In terms of friends and love, both are messeed up right now. The people I used to hang out with have graduated and the ones that haven’t I seem to have grown away from without really realizing it. I’m pretty co-op dependent as friendships go and most of the people in the co-op aren’t around as much as they were first semester, I’m thinking it’s just cabin fever. As for love I’m not really good at maintaining relationships. People keep telling me I should be dating guys who are my age and older as if that makes things easier. I’m friends with older established guys and they’re just as fucked up as I am, the only difference is they have more money to spend on drugs and booze. So I struggle on trying to meet new people and seeing if we have what it takes to carry on a rewarding conversation let alone a relationship. Current Mood: sleepy (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 5th, 2006
1:11 am	new thoughts people suck, i'm a joke, and despite my attempts to make my life worthwhile it seems the harder i try the less sucessful i am. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
11:34 pm	strange days.... i've been reading other peoples blogs and the nerd geek test came from my friend margarets blog. in other news sunday was very strange. the glee club court's wine party was i think very sucessful and many strange twists have happened as a result of that night, i shall keep you abreast of various siutuations as more information becomes avaliable. in other news, the fog has descended on ann arbor. i mean it was really low today. psychologically i felt like the band in which i live my life shrank, even though i carry out most of my life between 0 and 5&3/4 feet off the ground the loss of the sky was a bit disconcerting...stupid recurring claustrophobia. ironically the breeze kept blowing small drops of water into my face, not to unlike the mist of the sea, for a few minutes while walking around doing errands i felt warmer and a bit more at peace. emotionally i'm a bit shut down/treading water. that'll get better i hope, once i can sort out the after effects of the seperation from bobby. Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
11:25 pm	Modern, Cool Nerd 56 % Nerd, 65% Geek, 17% Dork For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd. Nerds didn't use to be cool, but in the 90's that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn't quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eked out for themselves a modicum of respect at the very least, and "geek is chic." The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)! Congratulations! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Professional Wrestling Love & Sexuality America/Politics Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 55% on nerdiness You scored higher than 91% on geekosity You scored higher than 15% on dork points Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 15th, 2006
4:08 am	in the absence of faith.... there is only tradition to hold on to. for better or for worse the last few days have been full of activity. i've hung out with friends i haven't seen in months and i've made plans to see others. i'm looking for something, if it's internal or external i don't know, i need a bit of transcendence. i've been watching movies and reading like mad trying to establish an idea of self that seems to be floating and the periphary of my perception. i've been having vivid dreams, last nights involved a mall/art museum, large sums of money, extortion and a bomb. somehow i was part of this affair. i was allied with the "bad guys" but towards the middle the dream became one in which i am fighting for my life and for what's "right". this is one of my struggles, to be in a situation where the agents around me are corrupt in very clear ways, who corrupt me by my association with them, and then my subsequent internal struggle to keep up with the crew and lose myself further or to lose my life by asserting what is "right". inexact quotations that i feel are aplicable to my life "life isn't like the movies, you don't have a realization and change right away, you have a realization and change a few weeks or moths later"-postcards from the edge "she gives more love then anybody, but she takes more love then anybody can give"-I could go on singing Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 7th, 2006
4:14 am	on mexico i got back from my week long hiatus on wednesday. i'm tan, and i finished a book, reading not writing. christmas in a tactile culture reminded me of how much i hate forced holiday sentimentality. there was hugging and kissing and i was naseauted. there weren't too many fights between me and the rents. my grama and i had a discussion of my religious status and i assured her that i was still a catholic, but as a side note i mentioned that i thought the church got it wrong by putting their faith in such an imperfect book, besides every generation rewrites how they're going to look at the new and old testaments anyways. new years came and went, the whole of the family was critical about my enjoyment of Campari and i was much abused in regards to that drink for several days. i was really tempted to throw a ring i have into the lagoon as a way to close a door from my past but i couldn't bring myself to do it, much like the relationship it symbolizes i feel it will be something i carry until the day that a brighter love fills the empty place in my heart. i did however light a floating candle for the memories of the last year, it bobbed in the lagoon next to the family hotel for a while. when i came back to the edge of the water in the morning it was gone and i was conflicted, i had wanted it to still be there as persistent as memory, somehow not having watched it dissapear into the water left me feeling a bit unfulfilled. i'm watching flatliners right now after a slightly strange night out and about. i went to tony's to celebrate a return to school, then the crew headed to necto. i danced with a random assortment of people. i had forgotten how good it felt to be out & about, and i relished the fact that i could dance, that my body is my own to do with as i will. i still a bit confused on relationships and i fear that i'm sending mixed signals in all of them. i have a new plan. it involves staying in a2 till april and then going god knows where.... the things that once held me to this town are rotating out of their places of importance, i already feel like a non-student like a real person...i don't think i can stay in this life location for too much longer before i bolt just out of boredom. MVAD is tomorrow and i have to help h.s. kids keep their love of music untill they make it into the schools program, god help us all. Current Mood: restless (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 24th, 2005
7:31 pm	and so it goes so i'm finally done working for the week...16 hour days as a stop gap measure to poverty suck. there is still an elephant in the room whenever i talk to my father and usually it's green and covered in dollar signs which i have to say is almost better then the pink elephant that used to hang around although i'm not sure if the pink elephant isin't just experimenting with body paint. i'm going to mexico from the 28th thru the 4th.....i din't graduate.i incompleted and we'll be seeing if i can graduate when i get back or if i'm paying $1500 for the last class i need to get that diploma. i went out to the bar last night to hang for a bit with kids from my h.s. days. upon walking in and saying hello to kevin my off again/on again best friend since the seventh grade i proceeded to get reamed by said best friend because i didn't call him and let him know i was in town and going out. in all fairness i wasn't expecting to go out but oliver called me and since i haven't seen him since last thanksgiving i decided to spend an hour in his company. in yet another failure of communication i told the other people who were there(tone, amy lee, and katie o) that i thought they didn't affect my life, were unimportant to me in the grand scheme of things and that people don't really change. i don't even want to begin unpacking that one. i'm going to spend my time in mexico reading and tanning and maybe crying, it's time to get baggage out of my system. this will be my voyage into the woods where magical transformations take place and the people we are become revealed to us. i'm thinking of making voodoo dolls of all my ex bf's and one of myself to burn on new years, my other option is to drink so heavily i black out and when i come around i will have forgotten the last 6 years but all my skills and other mental faculties will still be intact. happy late birthday to margaret, i'm an asshole for not sating it the day of i keep meaning to but good intentions count for crap, especially if the other person is far away across the pond. here's to a new year a few days early. Current Mood: drained (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 10th, 2005
2:48 am	i don't know if i live too much of my life in the past. i am unsure if my sense of inner calm is avoidance or genuine stillness. today i went and saw Narnia with bobby and a few of the housemates. if you still have the gift of childhood wonder i'd say go and see it. it's been a rough week, still no job, looming debt, fights with the fam, car battery died, no real connection with people despite an abundance of "friends". i'm trying to bouy myself and i'm geting better at it, i'm not saying i'm muttering the mantra "it'll be o.k." over and over again however i'm remembering life as it was when it was mysterious, reclaiming those feelings of lightness and comfort that used to come with reading till 3 in the morning, or sitting by a window curled up against the cold. I think one of my great strengths is the ability to find solace in nostalgic/romantic moments. i think that my heart has become rigid due to my own failure to give it enough attention and the disillusionment i've recieved at the hands of my family. is it wrong to think that i'm alone? i mean i keep getting messages that you're never alone there's always someone there for you, but i begin to doubt that that's true. people are there, but there are moments when everyone is just too busy to be there for you and you're on your own. am i just being pessimistic? after narnia i came home and found "alone in the wilderness" on public television. it's the story of a man in the alaskan wilderness building a cabin. it is calming and reminds me of NELP. the farther i get away from NELP the more it takes on the mantle of camelot in my mind, it was good, but it suffered from being a society in a vaccum. i'm going to end my free associations and bid you all a good night. Current Mood: calm (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, November 28th, 2005
12:57 pm	the hollow day went home wed, had dinner with dad, went out to the strip of bars close to the house and saw a bunch of people who were home for break. drank. lets say that this was the least meaningful wednesday before thanksgiving since i started doing this bar thing. thursday went with mom and bro to step aunt's, the grand rents were there in total it was 19 people and we did a "i'm thankful for circle" which was tacky. i said i was "thankful for the mass transit system which allowed us to eat a wide variety of foods at thanksgiving"..... god the whole thing was painful. i hate hokey holiday sentiment. and i hate knowing that it is hokey and not being able to do anything about it. friday was my 5 year highschool reunion. can we say awkward. it's good to know that everyone is pretty much as lost as i am, or even if they're not lost they're still less then fab. as far as i know we've had no new deaths, just a lot of no shows. i cut out early to come back to a2 and club. it was a loss, i wanted to stay and dance but tony and sven decided that we were going to joey x's to drink and party with some breakdancers. after that we went to nypd and i got into a fight with breeders. i mean these two guys were perfect representatives of the unwashed uneducated middle class. they made fun of us for being gay, and then they picked on us for being college educated.....i need a liscence to kill, then again if i kill off all the pathetic uneducated people in the u.s. who would be left to complain that we're outsourcing our labor overseas, oh wait that's a win win situation. nm. sat i played starwars battlefront for ps2 and i've never had more fun saving the galaxy/ enslaving it then i did for those 5 magical hours. today i went and saw rent with bobby, it made me cry 5 times, or rather i would have cried but i was controlling my emotions, here's to depression and the marvelous sense of control it gives you. i've ben trying to come up with a new theory about the place of the american musical in our lives, this film will help but i'm still a bit fuzzy with the direction it's going to take. one of these days i really need to learn when it's right to use 's and when it's not. Current Mood: numb (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
5:30 pm	in short so i've been absent more thern usual from this page due mostly to the fact that my house internet has been on the fritz for the last few weeks. in regards to updates, three weeks ago my relationship with my father imploded, all the work i've done to include him in my life was washed away in about 5 minutes during which he berated me for failing to accomplish anything worthwhile in the last year and a half of my life. he went on to say that i've wasted his money, that i should have graduated in four years(ignoring the fact that my i had to drop my second semester because of stress ulcers induced by managing his divorce with my mother), that he would no longer support me( considering the wealth of support i've recieved from him this was the most laughable) and that i should quit school in the final strech and get a job. in response to this incident i had visions of having him deported or ruining his business and then telling him to get a real job. anger being useful for a moment is not good in the long run and i'm trying to get over it but i refuse to share my life with a man whose tunnel vision dosen't include his family. update 2, i slept with a woman. some people may flip out at me for sharing this but it was important that i do. i mean it's kinda a big deal, i've been out for 12 years i think a foray into how the otherside lives deserves some discussion. and it was kinda fun. i mean the sex was not spectacular and it didn't feel emmotionally close to what i feel with men, but at the same time i understand how gay people can choose heterosexsual lives and make them functional. and if you hate it that i slept with a woman get over yourself, i'm not living my life for anyone elses approval i'm living it to findout everything i can about who i am, if the opprotuninty to try something new comes along then i'm going to try it (within reason). update three, if dreams are our subconscience putting everything together we're too afraid to tell ourselves then i believe in scarving women, that the love of my life is a man who left me yet i see with semi regularity, that i'm a vampire and i revel in murdering people who hunt me down. if dreams are our mind making sense of random synapses firing then i have a lot of full color random thoughts. now to home for thanksgiving. Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
10:33 pm	i need to be held... so that i can borrow the strength to cry. Current Mood: depressed (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 8th, 2005
8:55 pm	something i've meant to include but haven't hadthe opprotunity to.. when i first read Jewett's "The Country of the Pointed Firs" i took solace in the following passage; "I said to myself, there is a place remote and islanded, and given to endless regret or secret happiness; we are each the un-companioned hermit and recluse of an hour or a day; we understand our fellows of the cell to whatever age of history they may belong." and i totally ignored the passage which followed it; "But as I stood alone on the island, in the sea-breeze, suddenly there came the sound of distant voices; gay voices and laughter from a pleasure-boat that was going seaward full of boys and girls. I knew, as if she had told me, that poor Joanna must have heard the like on many and many a summer afternoon, and must have welcomed the good cheer in spite of hopelessness and winter weather, and all the sorrow and disappointment in the world." i took the first passage to heart because i felt and relished the total isolation it described. however that being said i believe that the second passage better describes how i interact with the world. i am joanna watching from outside while i work out my own demons. also,i have heard now, from many sources, that i am depressing and that my condition or level of happiness is talked about in the following form; "how is lee? oh he's _____, well for lee anyway." i find this framing of my condition, insulting. some people are happy some people are sad, i attempt to make myself emmotionally absent, or rather i replace what i feel with descriptions of irritation and dissatifaction. sue me if self centered people make me feel like i have to withdraw, everyone copes differently. (highlight of the day, i got to hold a letter written and signed by joan crawford, eat your heart out) Current Mood: absent (Comment on this)
3:59 pm	chicago well it's bittterly cold, i'm hung over and i'm going to watch my brother run the marathon tomorrow. let us say it has not been the best week and i'm done taking care of people who can't take care of themselves. i hope everyone is well. godbless and goodnight. Current Mood: hungry (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 24th, 2005
8:01 pm	here is to my baser instincts the glee club had retreat today. we sang for an hour and then we went paintballing. my adrenaline was pumping i was hunting the club and everyonce in a while i'd get taged in the chest. i shut down. my only thought's were about how to take out as many enemies as possible. there was no outside life, no pain while i was in those 15 min rounds. Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Friday, September 23rd, 2005
9:26 pm	am i really gone... My grandmother and an aunt and uncle came in from Mexico on Wednesday, it’s been 20 months since I’ve seen them and let us say that I had nothing to really talk to them about. It was a strange evening from start to finish. I got back to g.p. and there they were sitting on the porch with my father as if it was the most normal thing in the world. I felt the urge to duck inside before I got roped into saying hello and yet going home to say hello was the whole purpose of my visit. So we had the basic awkward conversations of hi and what’s going on and I answered not much and it was small talk for about an hour and a half. Then my mom came over, yes she’s back from california, and yes she came over to my dad’s and stepmother’s house, they were all cordial. It was strange seeing my family together like that since the last time it happened was about 13 yrs ago and yet I felt like I was looking at it happen from outside the room along with friends of the family who were also in the house. I guess it doesn’t help that my mom’s got her hair styled like it was in the 80’s with the feathering and everything. So after the hello’s my mom and I went out for a walk "around the block" we were gone for about 45 minutes wandering around the neighborhood. Almost all of the conversation was spent on unpacking my relationship issues from kyle to bobby. A whole lot of very little was resolved with any great degree of certainty. But the walking was good. We went to my elementary school and hung out on the swings, I felt the past right there in front of me and I thought, if only I could reach across time for a few minutes, jump into my little self and resolve a few things….. We left the school and walked past the house that I consider to be my childhood home, there are new people living there now, they have a porch swing and they uprooted my mothers lilac tree. Right after my parents got divorced my mom and brother and I lived in that house. I had a room in the attic all to myself out of which I would watch the world….I even went out on the roof a few times when it was nice out just so that I could say that in my youth I had hung out on the roof of my house. The attic was unfinished and my room was basically cardboard walls with a central light and three outlets, it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and it was the only place I’ve ever really considered my own, the only place I’ve ever felt safe. When we moved out the room was gutted and then the whole of the attic was refinished into a real living space. I feel exiled from my home and from my emotions, I am a stranger in my own home, an enemy to my friends and a distant figure to my lover. Current Mood: morose (1 Comment |Comment on this)